this is a real emotional track for me. i usually throw this on when i can’t sleep because i’m overwhelmed by my own mind, sitting on the stairs of my apartment porch at 3am.

i’ll put it on repeat, smoke, and stare out at the stars and the cityscape in the distance. and yes, sorry to all my friends and supporters who have watched me try to quit (i’ve fallen back into the horrible habit again. we’ll quit again. stress just always seems to win sigh)

pretty much every aspect of this track communicates the melancholy i’ve been feeling about entering a new decade of my life. the sound itself feels nostalgic, the little baby guitar melody, the slow percussion, but it’s the lyrics that really pang at me. i saw someone describe it as reminiscent of the radio dept., combined with the kind of introspective, graceful vocals that bring elliott smith to mind, and i think that’s pretty spot-on.

it feels like looking directly at my teenage/childhood self while listening to this. like i’m sitting across from them, knowing everything that’s going to happen but being completely unable to explain it. knowing that everything has to happen for me to become the person i am now, while also knowing that a little bit of their innocence and naivety will be lost with every experience.

something has been changing (oooh)
and i feel my age for once (oooh)
the world is getting strange (oooh)
i thought that i would like the club (oooh)
but i'm inside more than ever (oooh)
and this time i'm not that stuck here (oooh)
by the way (oooh, oooh)

(oooh, oooh)
(oooh, oooh)
(oooh, oooh)
(oooh, oooh)

everyday i wonder
to myself and to my friends
if the things i said exist
or if the past is just pretend
'cause i make decisions quick
and then complain about the end
it's always something

i think the really jarring part about aging is realizing just how many memories you have.

you move so quickly through the early parts of your life, but somehow everything accumulates into these little episodes you carry around with you. my twenties were especially episodic. people came and went, things got messy, identities shifted, entire versions of my life appeared and disappeared. and somehow, slowly, it all evolved into something much more like a calm ocean (uhhhhh for the most part, anyway)

but everything has gotten really strange.

the memories hit differently now, and they seem to hit more often. you become more sentimental about things because you’re more aware of mortality and loss, of how temporary everything actually is. a person you haven’t thought about in years can suddenly come rushing back into your mind with their voice, their face, some tiny insignificant moment you had completely forgotten about. and you realize that all of these little lives you’ve lived are still inside you somewhere.

i’m not sad to be getting older. if anything, i’ve felt more sure of myself, more stable, and more confident than i ever have. but the melancholy is definitely there. life is just a heavy experience. the more you experience, the more you understand, and the more you understand, the more there is to carry.

maybe that’s what i’m hearing in this song. not necessarily sadness about getting older, but the strange weight of knowing that you’re getting older. knowing how much has already happened, how much has been lost, how much has changed, and how much more is still waiting for you.

and for some reason, at 3am on the porch stairs, staring out at the city, this song makes all of that feel a little less lonely.

can u guys tell i’m on my period lel

stumbled upon this insane record last night while hauled up doing work in my living room (very cozy little attic space in my apartment)

was immediately entranced by the synths and all the layers of elements woven throughout it. dream dolphin, noriko kodera’s work is such a dream. i can’t stop listening to this song specifically. it’s tickling my brain in a way i genuinely can’t describe

it reminded me a lot of POiSON GiRL FRiEND, who was shown to me by a very close friend last year and became a really sentimental thing for me. her melting moment record was such a solid listening experience, and even though this dream dolphin record leans much more experimental ambient, i had that same immediate response to it. immersive, dreamy music that makes you yearn for something you can’t quite place, and for a minute makes you feel that weird freedom of being young again.

i was curious because these two artists reminded me of each other so much, and after doing some digging i found out they actually ran in the same music scene around the same time. they even had the same name lol

love ate alien should absolutely be thrown on while walking through the city at night, or maybe while you’re on the train gazing out the window. it’ll make your mind wander and suddenly your walk turns into floating